Cuz I Eats Me Spinach

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MONSTER ASTROLOGY

2011-10-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

"Daria Sellon McQuade takes Dungeon's and Dragon's Monster Astrology to it's highest, turning it into a form of personal self-reflection." - Beth Kelly

ATTENTION:

The below D & D Horoscopes are excerpted from my book,
"2012: The Coming of the Chromatic Dragon".
Available July 2013.

BEHOLDER
(November 12th- November 22nd)

You tend see both sides of everything. Your not a very skilled decision maker. Like the Greek God Syphilis, who used to stand at the gates of Zeus holding a corncob in one hand and a stick in the other. He didn't even know why he was holding those things! But the point is, he couldn't decide which was the best thing- corncob or stick. I can definitely relate. Today you'll meet a very compatible and exciting circle of new friends. These people may be from foreign countries, or they might be invisible. They'll feel like kindred spirits. You'll be able to talk with them for hours. Whatever their circumstances, these people could be your friends for life. Don’t pay any bills today; Venus is entering into a vortex and all checks will bounce. Just like... everybody’s. Even the Minotaur's.

New friends!

UMBERHULK
(July 11th - August 15th)

You are tenacious and tend to cry easily. Your presence usually goes unnoticed at social functions due to your horrible personality. Don’t worry- I like you. Today your mind kicks into slow gear as Mercury and Uranus enhance your power to offend everyone who crosses your path. The joy of love abounds when Venus copulates Jupiter tonight. If you're single, with the Taurus Moon there's a tendency to be slow to fall in love, which is okay because that’s not in the cards for you anyway. Be leery of scratch-off cards and scratch and sniff stickers. A person you care about may be in trouble, but you will be unaware and even if they are you have a lot of stuff to deal with yourself. Like that sound you make with your mouth. Take care of that shit.

GOLEM
(April 3rd - 7th, May 31st - June 5th)

Flighty and finicky, and flakey. You have a lot of finesse but very little focus. You are a functional alcoholic! (That’s the good kind!). You are all those F words. The Letter F defines you. A new Fuck/romance is definitely in the air! This could be a renewal of the romance within a current relationship or, if you're single, someone new and exciting might cross your path, but most likely it’s just some people on a show your watching (Bones). If not, this person could be from a distant place (Newark) and in a profession such glue-huffing, or law. Whatever your situation, the feeling is going to persist at least through next month unless you get some creme from your doctor.

Golem never misses an episode, which is consistant with his finesse

PEGASUS
???

Your a really angry person, you know that right? Toxic energy flows through Pegasus like a river of bile. If there’s a snow globe to bash into someone’s head your the first person to line up. You like getting in arguments about what the word ‘dearth’ means. Who cares? Get over it. But you never ever will. A new, exciting neighbor could move in near you. If you're single, this person might be a potential romantic partner. If you aren't, you could make a great enemy. When you meet, monopolize this person's time. Disrupt his/her’s moving process. Don't be shy about seeking this person out later and offering them the open bottle of wine that’s been in your fridge for 3 years. Consider buying bongo drums. Also: Don’t get a haircut today! The apex of Neptune is in centigrade, which means someone might try and persuade you into cutting bangs. This could have catastrophic results.

Pegasus taking on the form of Richard Gere (Note the obvious passive-aggressive shape-shifting)

HYDRA
(Feb 14th - March 15th)

Your the life of the party! You want to be where the action’s at, and just go, go, go, all the time, ZOOM! Gross. Just cool it. People get bored seeing you at every party, nightclub bla bla bla. Your gonna die one day Hydra, you have to come to terms with it. Transformation of your life, even your very being, may have been in the works for some time. For instance, you are gaining weight rapidly, and aren’t even eating that much. Your getting really old. Today you could finally see it made manifest. Dreams come true, perhaps in an unconventional and unexpected manner. Don't move too quickly or eagerly... move in slow-motion. All day, just do that. Think carefully before committing to any plans to do any work. Be afraid to consult others. Move in slow motion and good fortune will follow. (Good Fortune is a Chinese food restaurant and the reason why your gaining so much weight. General Tsao’s chicken)

MASTODON
September 9th - Oct 13th

You like doing the same things all the time. Dullsville, population: You. You and all your astrological kin. “Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. I wonder what’s happening with the food at Trader Joe’s today?”. I can’t go to Trader Joe's Mastodon, because I don’t want to die in there, under a pile of frozen pot stickers. (Yum). Interestingly, a new addition to your routine may be in the works. Sharpening pencils and looking up different kinds of cancer you might have just doesn’t cut it anymore. Whether this involves work that produces additional income is just plain laughable, but you can expect your tasks to change in some way, probably for the worse. You could also be thrown in with a group of people you find incompatible. You're gonna get bitten by a dog, I think. I really do.

Variety is the 'plice' of life- Mastodon's unfunny joke

BERSERKER
(June 1 - June 18th)

You're a risk taker and a goal-attempter. An overachiever who will try everything once, twice, then you try it again and then fail. You fail a lot, and I know it’s hard when everybody says you smell like asbestos. But today an opportunity may come your way that causes you to consider changing your career. No matter what you've been involved with up to now, be it cosmetology, taxidermy, hanging out with your dog on the couch, something else might attract you perhaps involving metaphysical or philosophical subjects, such as Ghosts and Vampires or God (The Holy Trinity). Is transforming your working life the right thing to do now? You don’t even have a job. Bear in mind that lack of work opportunity may be a gift from the Universe.

LAMIA
September 1st - 14th

You like nature and the smell of rain on a hot, smelly day. A true rebel, with a tendency towards being a follower. Well, new beginnings are heralded today, particularly where travel, education, and legal matters are concerned. Difficult decisions may need to be made. Freak out over them. Whatever you decide should work out horribly. Think carelessly about your plans. Take care of any paperwork that you've put off before moving on to more interesting matters like “What did that bitch say about me?" You're also a slut. (That's what the bitch is saying).

DOPPELGANGER

You're an introvert with the soul of a newspaper boy crying out “Titanic Sinks! Great Loss of Life!” Have you been thinking about moving? Perhaps you've even bought a new home. Whatever. No, you didn't. Whatever your situation, you may execute some paperwork today, because astrology and paperwork go together like sugar and cheese. (Perfectly). Perhaps an agreement with a realtor or contractor, or maybe escrow papers? (Editor's note: What’s Escrow?) This could be frustrating, as the wording of the documents might seem obscure. Maybe pretend your reading something else, like a Garfield comic.

The sensitive soul of Doppelganger
More anti-paperwork reading suggestions:

PURPLE WORM
(May 1st - May 7th)

Why are you so full of yourself? Not every things about you. When I’m telling you about the chimps dying in the Congo and you say "I can't think about that right now" it makes me feel like you don't care about the chimps nor do you care about our relationship. Narcissistic and cunning, but devastatingly attractive. That's true of every single person under this sign. It's science. The good news is your recent nightmares may hold the key to your future. Though the unconscious symbols could be obscure, like the one where your trapped in a box and they cut off your legs? And all those people from True Blood are in it, (especially Eric) it would be useful to try to make sense of them. Your past experiences may enable you to make really weird decisions, concerning money, sex, and love. I suggest making a list of your insights and check them out. Let me read it because it will be hilarious. Also make a list of stuff you want on Amazon for Christmas. Expect to receive nothing.

MINOTAUR
March 15th - April 15th

Your head is in the clouds. Your ethereal and full of oxygen and entrails, skeleton bones. You are not of this world. Have you been concentrating strongly on spiritual studies for a while? Do you meditate regularly? Neither have I ever will. If so, don't be surprised if insights and revelations come to mind regardless. You might feel a strong inclination to write a song, and then perform it on YouTube. This will make you stand out, and possibly get you a record contract. (Just today, not on any of the rest of the days of this week). If you're inclined toward writing, you might set your ideas down in a book, perhaps with publishing in mind. Set yourself up for super high expectations and enjoy the crushing defeat. With Pluto digressing into Mercury the doors are open wide for you!

SUCCUBUS
December 1st - January 1st

A true romantic. You love the idea of love and hate people who don’t love it. You're charming and charismatic but also standoff-ish and sort of an asshole all the time. The primary focus today should be on romance and marriage. Have you been thinking about getting married? If so, you could be surprised to learn that your significant other has been thinking about what a terrible nightmare that would be. This could be the end of a long period of uncertainty. It's apt to prove a very traumatic experience. Don't be surprised if people tell you how attractive you look today, today of all days right? What the fuck.

To be continued...

Old post redux -"BETH KELLY: COMPOSITE SKETCH ARTIST" (Dedicated to my love Erin Sullivan, on account of her 'love' of blood-diamond encrusted skulls)

2011-07-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

"It takes a long time for a man to look like his portrait"
- James McNeill Whistler

"At moments of great enthusiasm it seems to me that no one in the world has ever made something this beautiful and important."
-M.C. Escher

“Theo, the more I think about it, the more I realize there would nothing more valuable to my artistic soul than being a composite sketch artist for my local police precinct."
-Vincent Van Gogh

I often wonder if, without art, would we ever have evolved from the apes? Imagine the first caveman who held aloft a stick dipped in dinosaur feces, preparing himself to draw a picture of some guy killing a woolly mammoth or dragging his girlfriend by the hair into his cave. Imagine if he suddenly decided it was a stupid idea. Said to himself "It's not gonna come out looking good anyway, whats the point?". So he just goes back to doing the same sad routine he plays out everyday...hitting bones with other bones because it's fun, right?

(It does look fun)

But maybe one day he picks up the stick again and rubs it with another stick and invents fire, the most destructive element known to man. Without art, we would only have fire. And what is fire really, but something to burn down a house or a church with? Art will not burn down your house. It may leave you homeless. But an artist can always crash on someones couch, simply by trading some of their art if the alleged 'someone' agrees it will make their apartment look cool.

I feel art is like oxygen. Without it I see a world metaphorically gasping for air, slowly suffocating from not being able to see Damien Hirst’s latest “Room With Nothing In It Except For A Photograph Of An Empty Room” installation.

I don't even want to live in blood diamond encrusted skull-less world

I repeatedly imagine this terrible scenario: Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel, and it's looking really good. He's only painted one angel- looking person but you already know the rest in gonna come out looking awesome. Suddenly, out of nowhere his hands are sliced off by a rogue machete, telekineticly launched at him by Carrie White from the movie ‘Carrie’. (In this scenario he has been pointing at her and chanting “They’re all gonna laugh at you” over and over again so you can’t really blame her).

I also imagine this "Twilight Zone" fantasy: What if Picasso had decided not to be a painter and chose to be a writer instead? . In place of ‘Les Demoiselles d'Avignon’ we would have a shitty book* describing how cute his dog Lump is, and how great whores are at doing sex with him.

What's Cubism? There isn't any.

Last but not least is Vincent Van Gogh, who single ear-edly has become the international paradigm for 'artists that nobody notices are geniuses until they die'. (Or 'ATNNAGUTD' ). Van Gogh painted the underbelly of the Dutch world. The opium addicts, the potato peelers, the- weird-of-face, and most importantly, the criminal element. As I have spent the last 12 years working as freelance forensic/composite artist for various law enforcement agencies, I often feel the ghostly presence of Van Gogh hovering over me whispering in my ear “Cut it off...”. Then he says to me “Beth, there is no blue without yellow and without orange.” Then I say, “I only work in with a # 2 pencil or black charcoal”. And then he says “Use colored pastels” and then I say “But we don't do composite sketches in color” and then he's all “Beth, just shut the hell up and listen to me! Your making me want to cut off my other ear!" and then I hear his brother saying “Vincent, you must leave Beth now, it's time to return to the sanitarium. Get back in your room with no windows and make more paintings from memory that nobody will ever buy."

Then he’s gone. But he’s never really gone. He is my spirit animal, and his paintings are on all my coffee cups.

I have just recently developed a Composite Sketch Drawing Workshop. I want to share with you some of my most recent pieces that I feel embody the essence of artistic freedom and it’s unquestionable impact on society. The reality of composite sketch art is not merely about apprehending trench coat flashers, muggers and kleptos. It's also about finding your dreams and realizing your passions in the wondrous renderings of people's faces described by victims who have been traumatized* to the point of hysteria.

*Only occasionally resulting in mass confusion over the difference between Latino, Asian, and Black facial features

I call this "The Extinction of Free Speech (Species)". This man has zipped up his windbreaker to the point where he is nearly mouthless. He has conflicted his free speech out of his own 'free' will (a fascinating dichotomy), and chooses to communicate with his hands, although he is too lazy to learn sign language.

"The Duality of Dualism". This shows two separate representations of the same man. Who is he? The first picture and the second one? Or the second picture and the first? (You may discuss this during my workshop. I am open to your individual opinions but just know that I only adhere to my own. Hint: He is neither of these guys.)

Here is an example of using diversity to convey artistic sentiment. I wanted this piece to emphasize that the young man was a talented musician, with dreams of being a contestant on American Idol. Which is probably why he robbed that guitar shop.

I threw this in here as an example of the "Flash in the Pan" type of composite sketch artist who has merely gained attention for his/her famous subject and whose heart clearly was not in the work. This person below could be anybody. It has no personality, no whimsy. It aspires to nothing but mediocrity.

These two companion pieces are some of my latest work. They are entitled "So Sweet and Low, the Diabetic" and I drew them during a frenzy of creativity. As you can see, they sold within days. (In my industry arrested indicates 'SOLD'). It's true. You can look it up.

Here's a female serial killer. These women are very rare so I call this piece "The Pearl of The Ocean". Adrift in a 'sea' of murderous homicidal rage, so I made her facial expression very enigmatic. She is like "Hmm...Lalala...maybe I hate you, maybe I like you, maybe I want to kill you". Very 'Mona Lisa-esque'.

Lastly, I have a piece by a current student of mine Patrick McQuade. Patrick's talent is evident in the wild shock of hair, the riveting eyes and his superior draftsmanship of this sex offender (still wanted by the FBI.) Patrick couldn't think of a name so I like to call it" Showtime At The Apollo".

MYSTERIES OF THE TAROT: REVEALED!

2011-04-01T21:30:00.001-07:00

The Tarot, or “Tarrow” as it was once spelled back in a time of my life when was grammar unimportant to me, is an ancient form of divination/card game, similar to poker but infinitely more valuable. Knowledge of future heartbreak, impending disease and death, or plastic chips? I’ll take the knowledge of impending death thank you very much. But the tarot is not limited to the grim, inescapable future. Romance, travel, getting a great new job...all these can be revealed in the 22-card deck. I say ‘can be’ because it’s slim to none that good things are seen in the cards; in my experience they mostly just foretell the horrors to come. Join me today as I introduce the curious reader to the Major Arcana cards and the meaning behind them!

THE FOOL

The card shows a young man, in Renaissance Fair outfit, holding a flower. He is perched atop a cliff, and about to fall off it but doesn't even care because he’s looking at the pretty sky. Basically, this card represents our childlike wonderment, or “soul idiocy”. When this card is shown in the traditional three card spread, it usually indicates that you are about to try drugs for the first time and/or you may be hit by a vehicle. Either way, the Fool is a powerful card even if it shows a very stupid person in the picture.

THE MAGICIAN

The Magician stands at a table with a magical symbol over his head. There are magical things on the table - a giant cup, and a Jewish plate. He holds aloft a scroll, or it could be candle, it’s hard to say. Also, there are grape vines. The Magician represents the power of wine, and its relevance in making crucial decisions in life. When this card is revealed in the three card spread, you will probably be drunk within the day or sometime the following week. (Not necessarily on wine, that is just a spiritual symbol for any alcoholic beverage.).

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

Well. Somebody thinks she is quite a big deal. This young lady is the precursor to The Empress, so she is probably her daughter. She is shown sitting at a throne flanked by two columns with the initials “B” on one side and”J” on the other (It is considered ok to laugh the first 3 times you notice this but after that you will be scolded by your gypsy). If this card is revealed, it is possible you are going through relationship problems, or you're about to get a bill in the mail that will be of insignificant sum.

THE EMPRESS

The Empress is shown on a sled with a shield next to her. She’s holding a staff in her hand, and wearing a cuter outfit than her daughter. She is prettier too. Basically, she’s the same as the high priestess but just older, and she’s married to the next card, the Emperor. The shield indicates that she has protection from evil elements, and when this card is displayed you should probably throw out any old potato salad in your refrigerator, or consider buying a down jacket.

THE EMPEROR

He is the King. His throne is made out of baby goats. He’s holding a staff in his hand too. He is symbolic of the domination over the weak, and when revealed in a spread, some Tarot readers will tell you this card represents personal strength, but I think it means you are going to be a victimized by a homophobe, even if you're not gay. Let me be clear: I do not like this person. I think he should be taken out of the deck and replaced by a baby Bengal tiger, but that’s just my opinion.

THE HIEROPHANT

This is the Emperor's psychic. He goes to him and asks him questions, such as, “Who shall I victimize next? Who should I plunder?”. The Hierophant is very wise and this is revealed by observing the two men beneath him. They are asking him questions constantly. Everyone asks the Hierophant questions, so when he shows up in a spread you should ask yourself why you make so many mistakes in life, and agonize over that for several days.

THE LOVERS

One would assume this card means you are in a solid romantic relationship, or headed in that direction. This is inaccurate. Notice the giant angel-looking woman over the two lovers? That is a demon and she's pushing the lovers away from each other, because she just doesn’t like seeing people happy I guess. Just a bitter demon. The Lovers shown in conjunction with the Emperor is just about the worst spread imaginable. Every time this card comes up for me I get broken up with by text message.

THE CHARIOT

This card depicts a man in a chariot driven by two Egyptian pharaohs. He is going someplace, but where? And how come he is so important that the pharaohs carry him around? This card means you are most likely about to gain celebrity or fame for something that you don’t deserve. I call this the Paris Hilton card of the major Arcana.

STRENGTH

Here is a nice woman who is looking inside the mouth of a lion like it’s no big deal. She has a magical symbol above her head, so I think she is the Magician's wife. She is friends with lions so what more can you say? She is strong. This card often means you are spending too much time on the internet, and must be strong and just try and read a book or something. Read a book about lions!

THE HERMIT

This is a lonely man, but he likes it that way. He walks the earth with a cane and holds a lamp because he only likes the dark. I think he might be a vampire. A foreboding card, for me at any rate. When this card came up for me recently, I soon lost my ATM card and was nearly hit by a water balloon thrown from a high distance.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

There is so much going on here, snakes and angels and griffins and a pharaoh and a demon. Everybody is reading magazines, and naturally there is a wheel of fortune in the center. This card represents destiny and when revealed in conjunction with the Empress card and the Fool, you may soon be going into a phase in your life that is either slightly self-destructive or highly self-destructive.

JUSTICE

A stern-faced man/woman with a crown on his/her head. They hold a scale in their hands. This card is pretty self-explanatory. If you have recently had an argument with a friend and this card turns up, they will probably call you and apologize. You could also get arrested for shoplifting, which is what happened to me.

THE HANGED MAN

The following two cards seem intimidating and scary, but they are quite innocuous according to me. The hanged man depicts an upside down guy, with one leg extended and pointing to his knee. He is hanging from a pole with grape vines. I think he is exercising (It’s called Inversion Therapy... it’s fun!) and most definately drunk. He looks pretty happy to me. I believe this card implies you are entering a healthy drunken stage in your life.

DEATH

People are always scared of this card but that’s just ignorant. Anybody familiar with the Tarot knows that the death card does not indicate a real death occuring (That would be the Fool card, or the Emperor). The card is great because it implies the death of bad habits, such as putting cigarettes out on your plate after dinner, or throwing pennies in the garbage because they annoy you. I appreciate when I see this card in a spread, because I know that it means someday I will stop obsessively cleaning my ears with q-tips.

TEMPERANCE

Temperance is all about calming down, not running around like a crazy person. Serenity. Inner peace. I think whoever invented the tarot felt pressure from their girlfriend to put something tame and un-scary in between Death and The Devil. When I get this card in a spread I try and ignore the ‘ance’ part of temperance and focus on the ‘temper’ part, because what’s healthier: a fiery temper that compels you to throw your pint glass in a crowded bar at a girl that might be talking to your man or taking it easy? I think my Grandmother said it best “Take it easy? How bout ‘make it sleazy!”. Well said, Grandma.

THE DEVIL

Most are familiar with this card - horned winged creature with hoofs.. It would appear that the Devil has gotten the lovers from the Lovers card, chained them together, and now they are his slaves. Well that’s just not true. I think this “Devil” is a match-making goat angel, and he has just hooked up two lonely people. This card is badly misinterpreted. In fact, I secretly hide extra copies of the Devil into my decks when I do readings, that’s how much I love this card. I met my boyfriend through this card!

THE TOWER

This one is pretty bad looking and it is unfortunately accurate. It shows a tower cracked by a thunderbolt, exploding into flames, some poor person being jettisoned out the tower window. If you get this card stay away from towers and thunderstorms. But the sad reality is that despite avoiding those things you will plummet from an exploding tower either way.

To Be Continued...

SUMMER READING LIST!

2011-03-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well he won't, but I will! Here's some great summer reading, straight from the 'New York Tymes' bestseller list that I write down each week on the back of take-out menus. Don't forget: reading is fundamental and books will never be replaced, especially not with digital devices that you can store 1,000 of titles in and you can download directly from your amazon account.

Let's begin with a couple of my go-to beach reads. Words that come to mind- "Proustian", "Dickensian" and "Dostoevskyian" and "Grisham-y".

(This book was so informative and entertaining. Not only did I learn that Eskimo's have 1,000000000 different words for snow, but they also dress like psychedelic wizards and want to invade America. Nice.)

The following are books that I recently acquired from a quaint little stoop bookstore (free of charge if you can believe that!). I am also now the proud owner of a broken printer and a size 11 men's sneaker. But enough bragging about my windfall. On to the literature.
Question: Who would YOU rather go to if you had a life-threatening gunshot wound to the face that required immediate medical attention? Me? I choose...

This guy.

And this place

We can't have a blog about summer reading without including 'chick-lit', and here's one of my favorite romance novels. Just imagine "The Notebook" if there were cartoon boobs on every 2nd page.

Another classic... brings to mind "Wuthering Heights". And Chapter 5 of "The Notebook" ( Pagan Lesbian Orgy)

If you've never read "The Notebook" just read this. It's pretty much exactly the same book.

2 MUST READS! As a professional surgeon, I know pretty much everything about blood. This book was a major wake-up call.

And as a professional Christian, I find Satan to be off-putting. That said, this book changed my life ( I haven't read it but the cover picture speaks a thousand words that I haven't read).

I've always felt like the word "Caviar" sounds like an expression aliens would use, right before taking over our planet on account of our primitive "Primal Urges".

"MASQUE OF THE ORANGE DEATH"

2011-01-28T11:47:00.000-08:00

Photo by Alyssa Lou

Illustration by Patrick McQuade

The "Orange Death" had long devastated New Jersey. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Bronzer was it's avatar and it's seal --the copper-colored horror and the Oompah Loompah complexion. There were sharp pains, and sudden drunkenness, and then profuse vomiting at the mouth, with dissolution of jello shots. The bronze stains upon the body and especially upon the fake boobs and abs of the victim, were the pest ban yet elicited fist-pumps of admiration from his fellow-men.. And the whole seizure, progress and termination of the disease, were the incidents of half an hour. Or 45- minutes, sans commercial interruption.

Tanning beds were dismantled. But the Prince Prospero was idiotic and clueless and retarded. When his dominions were half depopulated, he summoned to his presence a thousand hale and hearty friends, from among the juice heads and “DTF”s of his court, and with these he retired to the deep seclusion of one of his castellated hot-tubs. This was an extensive and herpes-ridden structure, the creation of the prince's own tacky yet cheesy taste. The wall surrounding the castle had gates of iron to keep out the grenades, and a glorious Italian American flag flew above the tower. The external world could take care of itself. In the meantime it was folly to grieve, or to think thoughts with your brain, or learn how to speak English.

The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were Situations, there was Gym Tan Laundry, there was house music, there were theme songs (Mista Encore, ‘Get Crazy’), there was J-Woww, there was Ron-Ron juice. There was surf and turf night. All these and the Orange death were within. Without was the "Red Death." (AKA Angelina tampon). *

* Portions of this have been borrowed directly from Edgar Allen Poe's story "Mask of the Red Death"

FOOD BLOG 2 - THE SEQUEL

2010-11-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

George “Carpacchio” Huevas was the leader of our gang. He always had been, always would be. But we decided to kill him off that cold November night when he stood up and announced “Amish Chickens are out. I don’t give a fuck how good they taste”.

"English light bulb- heathens love our chickens"

Caddy Colllins ended up blowing George's brains out with a cattle prod ala ‘No Country for the Elderly” (Caddy’s an emotional guy and hadn’t taken his meds or eaten a Belgium waffle in 6 hours). Another terrible thing that happened that night was the pressure cooker exploding just when Telly “Telli” Savalas was completing his Jenga tower. Telly’s old lady, this gal Marla, tried cleaning up the pot roast but our paper towels were woefully un-absorbent. What the fuck! We had a job to do goddammit; bury George's body underneath a chicken coop. That was our 'havin a laugh' (It's a British thing.). Don’t get me wrong, we missed the guy. We missed his funny ways, like the white pizza...

What the fuck?

We didn't even mind how he only shaved on half of his face. He was an existential kind of guy, always saying deep things like “We will all be dead someday, when we get killed”. Or “Babies are dead angels. It's science”. Or “Eventually everybody in this room is going to heaven or hell. You, you, you and you: hell. And you (me)".

He was a philanthropist and a true animal lover. God Bless him.

Anyway, we knew this fellow Orlando Gettysburg who was a bootlegger. His specialty was imported cheese, and we had a shipment arriving in 2 days. Unfortunately we had eaten a lot of Amish Turkey the night before he supposed to arrive, and the tryptophan made us sleepy. The turkey also made us feel like it was thanksgiving so we drank 10 bottles of Jack Daniels even though our family weren't even there. We overslept the cheese delivery. It ended up floating in the sea, just like the opening of that show “Boardwalk Empire”.

Cheese entering the sea from land along the Pacific Coast. As a consequence, the surface water contains 6 times more cheese than plankton bio-mass.

It was devastating. Worse than the BP oil spill only worser. Luckily, we had help. The "Boardwalk Empire" theme continued. No, Steve Buscemi wasn't there. But luckily our friend Steve 'Bussemi' was. He jumped around a lot and gave us some nutrient-rich Pez.

(Steve Buscemi-Steve Bussemmi) Almost identical twins! Right down to the period costume.

We skyped Orlando and said “get us some fuckin' string cheese...anything! We're goners if we don't deliver these goods to the Bundy Brothers.” Orlando was deaf, unfortunately, and all he saw on his Skype window was me and Telly eating Kettle Korn and motioning frantically to a picture of Jenna Jameson.

Our message didn't get through to him at all. We just felt she should put on some weight. And Kettle Korn not only does that but may, just may, stop people from making facial expressions like the one above.

Finally Orlando arrived at our secret meeting place. The merchandise was shit! Melted brie, Swiss cheese with NO HOLES and a bottle of blue cheese dressing."Thanks to you, we're dead men”, we said. He couldn't hear us but later on Steve Bussemi told us he sign languaged “Go fuck your cheese, cheese-hole fuckers”. We would never do sex with cheese! And vice versa. Grilled cheese maybe, but only on vacation.

Orlando 'hand-talking' to us. Were pretty certain he said "I'm sorry I accused you of fucking cheese."

Just then, the Bundy Brothers arrived. They were armed with 12 barrel shotguns, 20 millimeter rifles, and 12 ounce pistols. Death was close, so we asked if we could each partake of the McRib we had bought earlier in the day. The Bundy brothers said “McRibs... Limited time only, just like your life... on account of you dying soon... because were gonna kill you dead with guns and stuff of that nature...” (Editors note: They said something cooler than that). We each ate a bite, stymied by our insight that the McRib would only be available for couple more months anyway. It was a sweet small respite; the knowledge that even though we were about to be bullet-ridden to death the rest of the world would soon be collectively McCock-blocked.

Then something miraculous happened. Marla came barreling through the gates in her tricked out Cheverlet Aveo. She killed the Bundy brothers using a hand grenade and her hand with a knife in it. She was holding a Chik-fil-a sandwich with her other hand the whole time!

We decided she was ambidextrous. We all could have done the same thing, but were pretty much all heterosexual (except for Steve Bussemi). It was a damn shame, but nobody's perfect. (Marla couldn't even make a proper Stovetop Stuffing). In the end, we had to admit that Marla saved the day, even after we killed her old man. As George would have existentially said “There’s a time to live and a time to die. Man can't choose his fate but destiny is in the eye of the tornado...Entenmann's cookies. Creamed spinach”. RIP.

HORROR MOVIE PITCH

2010-11-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

An ancient curse is unleashed. (Maybe somebody opened a jar, or a book? Not a jar... a bottle. Not a genie bottle. Are you kidding?) Lets just say a book. The new Keith Richards biography. The curse causes the apocalypse, zombies run amok. Lucifer turns out to be a scientist making a cure for cancer but actually its a cancer recipe. There’s a baby that is born to an Alien serial killer but the baby turns out to be just a normal baby. Hades is played by Harry Dean Stanton, and there should be a painting that vomits blood. The whole movie is in claymation and the soundtrack will be by my niece playing a harpsichord with missing keys.

THE ART OF PALM READING

2010-04-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

Palmistry or 'chiromancy' (also spelled cheiromancy, Greek cheir (χειρ), “hand”; manteia (μαντεία), “molester”), is the art of characterization and foretelling the future through the study of the palm. (I sometimes refer to it as "Necromancy" because it reminds to re-watch the Evil Dead movies). The practice is found all over the world, with numerous cultural variations. Those who practice chiromancy are generally called palmists, palm readers, hand readers, hand analysts, wrinkle readers, hand fetishists, charlatans, and 'gypsies-that-curse-you-for-refusing-to-pay-them'.

Schedule a reading with my Mom- $50 for one palm, 25% off second palm. Complimentary cursing available on request.

The practice of palmistry is often regarded as a pseudoscience. Scientists and doctors alike are just jealous, because they can't diagnosis some body's brain tumor or a mystery man in your future without using a stethoscope or that headband with a mirror on it. Palmistry doesn't need these antiquated tools; all you have to do is look at the lines on your palm, and use my chart below to see whether your destiny is to be an unemployed mortician, married to a supermodel, and whether or not you will lose your leg* when you drive your Vespa through a department store window...

*You will. And then people will laugh at you for having a Vespa in the first place

There are many conflicting interpretations of various lines and features across various schools of palmistry. But take it from me and myself: these line interpretations are the real deal. Observe the picture below...during this particular reading I saw a plague of locusts and Purell Hand Sanitizer in his sharpie line. In other words, he was soon to be electrocuted in a freak "changing the lightbulb while standing in a bucket of water" accident.

During my palm readings I like to focus on the positive rather than the negative. What good is it to agonize over the fact that you will only live for another 2 months? Instead, the client should enjoy what the 2 months leading up to his/her tragic demise has to offer!

When this doesn't work and my client is still brooding about his short life-span, I administer some useful and uplifting advice to my client's doomed palm:

If the client is still complaining about his situation, then a palmist must resort to other measures. Be patient but firm when reasoning with him. Make it clear that your not his therapist, your simply his All-knowing and All-seeing Spiritual Oracle and you will not put up with his whining. Try using these flash cards:

Now, I have done readings for some very high profile people, but the rules of palmistry state that palmist-palm confidentiality is sacred. Therefore I will just show you facsimiles of my diverse clientele:

Did I mention I do animal paw readings? Contrary to "sciencism", animals are highly intelligent and lead extraordinary rich and complex emotional lives. Just the other day I was doing a reading for a squirrel. Her Ring of Axl Rose revealed a squirrel with unparalleled business savvy; on the downside, her divorce line indicated she was to be married and divorced 9 times. Instead of being discouraged over that unfortunate news, she took it extremely well. During our silent psychic dialogue and she told me "10th times the charm" and then offered me some walnuts/ Percocets.

Squirrel paw with formidable Wesley Snipe Phalance on the lumbar axis and her virtually immeasurable divorce line

The Elizabeth Taylor of squirrels

Next time we will examine 4 separate palm reading sessions that were applied "speed dating style" and explore Palm Pilot reading. I will also read my own palm, which many necromancers advise against but I encourage.

My hand (notice my prominent 'love line'?)

HOW TO BE A MORE PROLIFIC READER: Don't be illegiteratte! Read moore

2010-04-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

Everyone’s always “I don’t have time to read anymore I’m just too busy blablabla”. Well, I have a busy life too. Really busy. And I still manage to read. How do I squeeze several of pages of literary gold into my week while balancing it with my hectic "staring at the ceiling for hours thinking about stuff" schedule? Try reading a paragraph of 10 books each days for ten days. Just try it! Unless you just want to remain an illegiteratte.

1) Start off the day with some life-affirming Raymond Carver:

"I told my wife I didn’t feel like going to the movies. I got a beer from the fridge. It was still warm but I drank it anyway. ‘We never go to the movies. Jesus Christ, we never do anything” my wife said. “What a life! Never thought I’d end up selling vacuums. I’m goin' to sleep.” she said. I started working on my clipper ship but then I decided to watch TV. I poured some scotch. After awhile I went upstairs and lay down next to my wife. She was breathing really loud. It wasn’t snoring exactly, but it bothered me. I looked at her face as she went to sleep. She looked old. The tv was still on in the other room but I watched her instead. She looked dead but I could tell she wasn’t. She kept breathing in that loud way. I stayed like that for awhile. Eventually I went to sleep."

2) Now move onto something more exciting- Pippi Longstocking.

"Tommy and Anika opened the fence and there was Pippi, standing on top of the largest garbage pile they’d ever seen.
“Pippi! What are you gonna do now?” they cried.
Pippi did a back-flip somersault trapeze thing using a live telephone wire and landed in a cardboard box filled with used baby diapers.
“I’m a pirate, me lads! I’m off to the high seas once I get this vessel on the water”.
“But the tea party starts in half an hour!” Tommy exclaimed.
Pippi scoffed. “We can have a tea party right here! Hand me that broken bottle of gin” she told Anika. She poured sewage water into the bottle and poured it into a rusty tin can. Then Pippi found a hubcap and placed a blowtorch underneath it. “Now who wants tea and PANCAKES?”. Tommy and Anika clapped. Pippi's monkey unearthed a bag of white powder with a skull and crossbone on it.
“The police are coming Pippi!” Anika cried.

“They can’t catch me! I’m a fuckin pirate!”. And with that, Pipi snorted the powder and used to rest for instant pancake mix."

3) Try for some non-fiction at this point. I suggest: “Be the Pack Leader” by dog expert Cesar Millan.

“The word ‘terrier’ comes from the Latin “to terrorize”. I once had a client whose terrier dog who had the audacity to not cower when I made that sound with my mouth. I told the dog’s owner that this dog was mentally ill, but she continued to enable the dogs behavior and let her life be dictated by this tiny sociopath. I told her she would continue being a Gamma Pheta while the dog would rule her life by being a Delta Phi. We took ‘Noodles’ for a walk with my entourage of pit bulls and as usual they ran joyously behind me like I was their personal Hitler. I tried to explain that dogs need this kind obedience in their life but this woman thought of Noodle as a person and not as a slave. In cases like this, there is little I can do to solve behavioral issues. I gave her the number of a dog sanitarium and pleaded with her to institutionalize Noodles but her reply was “Will I get to visit him everyday?”.
It’s always disappointing to I hear this kind of thing from a seemingly intelligent and affectionate dog owner. Sadly, there is little hope she will never be a pack leader. Maybe if she ties a leash to a pack of cards she will have more success. Ahaahah!!!"

4) Let’s change it up and read some Dickens...

Bathsheba Satansworth took Pim Butterling to the Orphanage. “You shall stay here for 60 fortnights, and if you flee you shall be whipped within a inch of your life by my new suitor Mr. Gerrington Darvocet the 3rd!”. In with that, she slammed the oak door shut. Pim heard the sounds of many keys locking many locks, and many nails being pounded into boards over the locks. He stared at the wood etching of his beloved Nana Ms. Crumblycake Plumply . He cried himself to sleep by the light of a candle wick, sans the candle and the flame. For breakfast, black toast with moldy black cheese was slid under the door but it got stuck and he was unable to retrieve it. It was devoured by the house rat shortly thereafter. Pim’s tutor Mr. Gravestone Etchinton entered his room and announced that Pim’s schooling would begin; Chapters 5-1,000 in the 'Home For Doomed Children’s' Book of Psalms. “And if you shan’t finish it by noon expect lashes on your back that your dead Mother Mrs. Patience Pudding would have wept over would she were alive to see them!” He then laughed wickedly and aimed his pistol at Pim for making eye contact.

5) We should explore some contemporary fiction too. David Foster Wallace!

"C said Backerton I’m due on the court in 20 minutes . Pamela felt a secretarial-ish urged to rile C up and since the go-cart was designed to carry disc-jockeys to the lab via the President of inert Cranberry Farmer Dads* the him/her on it decided it was F.P.U.L.s* turn to animate realism."

307:*Cranberry Farmer Dad’s

Cranberry= Ocean Spray Cranberry juice. Good for urinary tract infections which Dad’s give their wives. AKA Urinary tract farmers. UTF. Not to be confused with the brilliant Weird Al Yankovich move ‘UHF’ directed by Jay Levey, Yankovich's then-manager, who also co-wrote the screenplay with him. It was produced by Cinecorp Productions in association with Yankovich and Levey's then production company, Imaginary Entertainment, and released by Orion Pictures Corporation.

308:*F.P.U.L

Fabricated Peripheral Uganda Lair- The official term for government appointed tree house equipped with nitrous oxide tanks not to be confused with W.K.R.P radio station based out of Cincinnati.

REMEMBERANCES OF BETTER THINGS: SPONSORED BY LAWRY'S SEASONED SALT

2010-04-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

THE GREATEST FOURTH OF JULY MANKIND HAS EVER KNOWN

Since July is right around the corner, today we bring you an exciting, fantastical and seemingly impossible story about the 4th of July. Historical significance? Maybe. Confusion over what month we are in? That's always a possibility. But perhaps the intention is more meaningful; perhaps it is here to instigate soul crushing self-esteem issues within the bureaucracy of Macy's Department Store, who recently fired a great man from his 10 year janitorial position for no apparent reason, other than discreetly pleasuring himself in the empty lingerie section of their racist store:

Jan Lowery Jr. (Name changed to protect anonymity)

To honor Jan's years of dedication and hard work and to counter-humiliate Macy's in the most effective way possible, we have employed the world-renowned historian John Lawry Sr. of Lawry's Seasoned Salt to educate us on the most mind-blowing 4th of July. EVER.

"July 4th 1923, marks the greatest day that man has ever seen or heard of and not a day has surpassed this day to be the greatest of all Fourth of July’s in the history of our great nation. This day was so grand and spectacular that it continues to be written about, painted and sculpted by the greatest artist’s and writers of each generation.

There is also another great painting, in the Hall of Justice, that depicts a twenty mile flag hand-sewn by Meg Terryweather for the occasion. It was rolled out during the rendition of 'God Bless America', which was recorded on audiovalve by Sir William Scottsley of Pennsylvania. On it, one can distinctly hear the 780,000 men and woman and children singing in perfect pitch. I believe the recording was once owned by the Kennedy family, but is most likely in the possession of the President of the United States at this very moment.

Now I must describe the fireworks. I’ve heard and seen them going off for such superficial events as birthday parties and weddings. Such traditions have become commonplace. But do not be confused when I tell you the fireworks on that day were the most BREATH-TAKING, SPLENDID, OUTRAGEOUS, SHOCKING sights humankind has ever seen or felt.

Try and imagine this...

With some of this stuff thrown in...

...now just forget about those and look at this:

90,000 pounds of fireworks were brought in from Blaggstone, Virginia, home of the Lawry's Seasoned Salt factory. They started at 8pm, just as the sun set, and went on all night until daybreak. They were like angels and rainbows colliding in the sky and exploding! They were like stars blown into bits and pieces of star-diamonds that covered the sky until there was no night! They even created a special firework that went on for two hours. It started slowly, then bloomed into a purple flower, then changed into different shapes such as a horse, a boat, a gun shooting a man's face off. And there were people on the boat! Toasting with champagne glasses! Then it shifted into the profile of George Washington, and it was so life-like people truly believed there was a man of immense proportions, swooping down upon them, covered in twinkling iridescent fairy dust.

Put this head:

...on this guys body. Now pretend it's made out of fireworks.

I must go back to the food. Nowadays, potato salad with Lawry's seasoned salt and hot dogs seem to be the preferred menu. On this day they feasted upon goose and duck terrain, on caviar and oysters! 500 cattle were slaughtered, and a wild boar was skewered, roasted, and served wrapped in slices of beef tenderloin, with a cluster of its own intestines brined and spilling from it’s mouth, and truffled eggs in its eye sockets. Beautiful was this food, almost to pretty to eat! But eat it they did....with everything sprinkled and dusted and marinated in Lawry's seasoned salt, the recipe for which had been created specifically for this buffet.

For dessert there was a layered cake of red, white and blue, seventy feet high a which required a special ladder to get a slice. Hidden inside each slice of cake was a single gold coin commemorating the Fourth of July. Several of these coins can now be viewed at the Smithsonian, but only if accompanied by an armed guard.

We must not forget the majesty of the Proud Mary Cruise Ship floating down the East River. It was covered in lights and doing an amazing new maneuver called "Ship-Dancing" or "Ship-Dipping". Then they shot cannonballs of money from the ships mast , fifty dollar bills, I believe, and the money flew all over the harbor and people dove joyously into the water to retrieve it.

Imagine, thousands of men and women gathering fifty dollar bills swimming in a river while children laughed and clapped as 1 million balloons were let loose upon the winds. Soon after, a Zeppelin came floating through the sky, and zoomed straight through the fireworks!

And people began to parachute out of the Zeppelin! When the parachuters landed, they turned out to be the most popular celebrities of that day and age. Kipper Wentsworth, Lillian Cosgrove, Sir Arthur O’Brien Johnson, Nathan Lawry. And they all shook hands and hobnobbed with the common people. If memory serves, at one point P.T. Barnum's own Siberian tiger sauntered out of a cage. It had been trained to hold an eagle atop it’s head and dance around on its two hind legs in figure 8 circles.

(Actual photo available, but in this instance substitution photos felt more authentic)

Towards the wee hours of the morning, a dedication poem was read with dramatic solemnity by Edgar Allen Poe, accompanied by the appropriate marching band music."

Below is the poem “4th of July -” and an artist’s rendering of Poe:

Oh sweet departed! Our time was brief,
Our earthly union but an autumn leaf,
Blowing upwards forming covenant in the sky,
Why must I live, whilst you have die'!
Mortal, alone in this experiment,
With Demons shadowing the firmament,
Your beloved corpse lies low in cold dark earth
Might we meet again betwixt the after-birth,
Of this world and the next morbid pall?
Happy 4th of July to one and all!

"When he was finished, he announced it would be the last time he would read anything in public . And it was. (He died but 6 days later from the drink/opium/madness/rabies!). The crowd was so moved by Mr. Poe's words that they collectively wept tears of patriotism, which were then bottled, frozen and sculpted into a replica of the Statue of Liberty.

By morning, life went back to the trivial routines of that day and age (street-cleaning, chimney-sweeping, polio) but for the rest of that year and every Independence Day since, nothing has come even remotely close to repeating the festivities in quite such a way. Many have tried and many have failed. And will continue to fail. Miserably." - John Lawry Sr.

Poor kids came all the way from Boston to NYC

For this shit.

A CLOSER LOOK AT WESLEY SNIPES in ‘BLADE’ AND ANDY ROONEY in 60 MINUTES VIA CASE STUDY QUALITY CONTROL

2010-04-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you unfamiliar with Blade, I am honored to acquaint you with one of the most awesomest of movies ever. I will introduce you to the most charismatic thespian/iconic black vampire since Eddie Murphy’s comedic tour de force as the Maximillian/PreacherPauly /Guido/ Fat Suited guy in “Vampire in Brooklyn”. But Blade is not a comedy. It’s a ‘dead’* serious introspection of what it means to be only a little vampire but not full on vampire, and the equal opportunity brand of vampire racism that goes along with having this affliction. (Editors note: I would go ‘batshit’** for this superhero power blood, even if it meant having to be a four eyes on account of the sunglasses thing. I wanna be part-dracula so bad I’d even go so far as to score V-juice from Lafayette Reynolds ).

*vampire pun #1
**vampire pun #2

So now that you get the gist of this cinematic masterpiece, let’s compare Andy Rooney’s sagacious 60 minute segment quotes with the ridiculously fucking awesome dialogue from Blade, and reveal how they are intrinsically harmonious. It’s like their the same guy! With some minor physical differences; Rooney is a pee-paw diaper vampire and Blade is a Taye Diggs vampire, with tribal tattoos. Speaking of which:

AR: "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries."

Whistler: "You have to understand, they're everywhere. Chances are you seen 'em yourself, and didn't know it. On the subway or in a bar."

You can't escape them Andy.

(Vampire tattoos ARE political statements. Specifically the tattoo “VP” -Vampire Power. Tribal ones are irrelevant. But it’s the butterflies, unicorns and meaningless Chinese symbols that really catch vampire attention. When a vampire see’s a person with a butterfly tattoo they give each other each a knowing look do the secret vampire handshake).

AR: "Isn’t it odd that Sweetmeats are candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat?"

Blade (To Karen): "You better wake up. The world you live in is just a candy-coated topping... There is another world beneath it - the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull, the TRIGGER!"

Karen and her world

The World that's beneath Karen's World

I'm betting Andy would respond with this thought-fart:

AR:“Guns do not make you a killer. Killing makes you a killer. In his world, you can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game”. (In other words, him and Blade are on the the same page- http://www.nra.org).

Andy perusing google image. Keywords: Blade, guns, tattoos, Wesley Snipes, naked

AR: 'Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys."

Blade: "Fuck me? No, you fuck this!" (draws gun)
Blade: "Mother fucker! Are you out of your damn mind?"
Blade: [Jumps from the top floor of the temple] "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

AR:“This catalogue has a gadget that lets you "Monitor The Weather From Your Own Backyard." Well, I do that all the time. I stick my hand out and if it gets wet, I know its raining.”

(Some people would prefer to know more than what the weather is currently doing...) http://www.weather.com Danny’s blog!.

Blade:(amused) "Sunblock".

Finally, In this choice exchange, the dialogue between Blade and Rooney reveals their inate reciprocity.

AR:"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

Blade: "The Spirits of the Twelve will awaken La Magra."

Next time we will delve more into the cast of Blade’s supporting actors. Specifically the gruff sensuality of Kris Kristofferson...

the douchebaggery of Stephen Dorff...

....and 60 more minutes of mystical curmudgeon-osity from Andy Rooney.

To be continued...

In the meantime, you could watch this... if you have any self-respect at all, you'll do it. And visit my Blade memorabilia Ebay store.

MYSTERIES OF THE TAROT REVEALED! - Part II

2010-04-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

THE STAR

In these modern times, amateur exhibitionists aim to become a "Star" by shedding clothes on the internet. Notice the naked lady pouring her photoshopped jpegs into a metaphorical pool of water representing her Twitter account. To the right she is pouring the fugly pictures into the dirt because no one wants to see those. The star towards the top of the card represents the Hollywood walk of fame, but note the lack of her name on the star. This card may sometimes represent the futility of posting nude pictures on yourself on the internet. But when revealed in my spreads, I try and stay positive. I have 597 pictures of myself on face-google wearing nothing but a saran wrap bikini, being sprayed with a water hose filled with Dr. Pepper and and spitting cherry pits into the mouth of a lesbian MILF . I know one day those cherries will bear the fruit of a successful Low Rider Car Show modelling career.

THE MOON

The moon makes people do crazy things. Especially the new moon, which is like a giant flashlight in the sky making it easy to have sex in the middle of a busy intersection. It also makes ordinary people think they can bake home-made bread, or build the tallest Jenga tower ever with their family and expect it be impervious to their uncle's shaky hangover hands. It's important to note that the dogs depicted in this card are not howling at the moon-man, because he is already showering them with beggin' strips and turkey cold cuts. The lobster below them is aiming for the scraps but won't get any due to his bottom-feeder status, which is sad but also hilarious . My dog loves this card, so her deck contains this card and this card only.

THE SUN

The Sun is the opposite of the Moon. (Don't quote me on that, I'm still not 100% sure of that scientific theory and may need to consult with my gypsy). What I do know for certain is that the sun doesn’t inspire people to do socially inappropriate/fun things. It just makes you sit around in a beach chair drinking Tecates and getting the melanomas . The boy on the horse is holding a giant tarp which he will use to cover up the sun and kill off the poisonous sunflowers. This card represents the death of nature for the good of humanity, and when revealed in a three card spread you should try and watch Jessie Venturas "Conspiracy Theory" episode about the carbon monoxide-spreading tree epidemic cover-up.

JUDGEMENT

"Let he who jugdeth cast the first stone into the glass houseth".

In this card Judgement is doled out by bugle rather than gavel. I love Bugles and eat them regularly, and I can just feel this card judgeing me for it. So 'big deal 'my judgement is bad ,but hey, that's what makes me get out of bed in the morning. And If my friends have poor judgement then the more the merrier. The people depicted in this card need positive reinforcement instead of a bugle in their face playing the same old tired judgmental song. Change the record already... (The angel also seems to be judging the sickly grey -looking people for not donating to the Red Cross. Why doesn't she/he donate some Emergen-C to them? They need medical attention. (I suggest using this card to cut lines of cocaine. I don't even do coke, but this would be purely for irony/spite).

THE WORLD

Finally! This amazing card combines all my favorite elements of the Major Arcana. Here we observe a Christmas tree-wreathed hippie surrounded by an angel, a lion, a griffin and a devil , all surrounded by smoke. She is holding two pipes in her in her hand because she smoked those creatures into existence. The implication is that by smoking (angel dust), you can be strong (hang out with lions), read magazines all day (like the griffin), and hook up with the man or woman of your dreams (with thanks to devil). My interpretation of this card is that everyday can be Christmas if you are high enough, and by being so you will have the best time in "the world".

THE HISTORY OF SING-PAI-DEK or as he came to be known, ORACULUS

2010-03-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

Little is known of the ancient philosopher Sing-Pai-Dek (Oraculus).The following information was found inside a ceramic box in a temple located on the mountain range near Kang-Bo. Five scrolls were discovered inside the box which corresponded with the Masters lifetime, who is believed to have lived in the era of Emperor Cheng-Buk 5000 B.C. A tattered robe was found in the box as well, which for many years was believed to have been worn by Sing-Pai-Dek which he left when he ascended to his Kingdom in the Clouds.

So it was written by Sing-Pai-Dek enthusiast Arthur Kingsberry in 2000, “And then he removed his tattered robe and threw it in the box, for earthly pleasures such as clothing were no longer of interest to him”. The robe has since been dated back to 1981, but Kingsberry’s explanation still holds some validity, particularly with his Mother and several close friends.

A rare photo of Kingsberry modelling the sacred ensemble

And so follows the miraculous but short history of Oraculus, a man who preceded Confucius, Jesus, Buddha, and Sophocles. A man who, some say, was more enlightened than all of the former put together...

4899 B.C. - Sing-Pai is born to the Dek Family. His Mother, Yeng-Pai, immediately put’s him to work in the rice fields and the future philosopher let loose his grand wisdom at age six months, “Jay-yung tsang deng-wai”, or in english, “Rice field. Hard work for baby.” His Father quickly runs home and writes down his son’s first words, then hurries back to the field to throttle him. Today it is considered one of Sing-Pai’s most logical quotations.

"Someday I will get back at my parents for forcing me into child labor, utilizing a passive aggressive form of Zen Haikus."

4938 B.C. - Little is known of Sing Pai from age six months to 39, when he made his great pilgrimage to Zhengshui, and called to Emperor Cheng-Buk from the grand courtyard. It is here that he spouted the following mystical observations, prompting he Emperor to come listen from his steam bath:

“Bird flies north. Lilies float in pond.”

“One hand holding another hand leads to two hands holding."

“Gold is a diversion of the eye. Money is wonderful.”

Wait, there's more:

“Poor of heart and dirty of face. Lily floating in pond.”
“If all enemy is friend, then my friend is enemy. Bird... Flying North.”

This last line enraged the emperor, who believed Sing-Pai to be accusing him of tyranny due to his proximity with northern locations.

Cheng-Buk, enraged

He called for the public beheading of Sing-Pai for the following day. While in prison, Sing-Pai wrote down the following tablet:

“Cold walls. No food. Fun is everywhere!”

When the Emperor saw what Sing-Pai had written, he could not believe what his eyes were reading. He had a change of heart and had Sing Pai locked up in an even smaller dungeon, to see what he would write under more extreme conditions.

Unfortunately, Sing-Pei's incessant Matsui chant"Godzilla-Godzilla-Godzilla-Ommmmm...godzilla" increased inmate aggression.

"None of you Red Sox fans seem to understand. I'm not locked in here with you...you're locked in here with *ME*!"

4489 B.C.: Sing Pai remains in prison, but is not beheaded for the Emperor finds his observations spiritually significant. Specifically after hearing what is considered Sing Pai’s famously poignant and un-lucid saying to date:

“Cherry blossom floating in air. I am beheaded soon. I am full of cherry blossom!”

Emperor Cheng-Buk dies of a weight-related heart attack soon after. He is succeeded by his son, Deng-Buk, who does not share his Father’s spiritual enthuisasm. Sing Pei is exiled to he mountains of Vong-Kei-Pao.

Monument of Cheng-Buk. (Note the Buddha-like morbid obesity.)

4569 B.B.: After years in exile, Sing Pai climbs further up Vong-Kai-Pao with a rice sack and writing parchments. At the top of the mountain’s highest peak he let’s loose the rice sack and quotations. It is said that he does this to “Rid himself of wisdom”, and while most of the writings ended up in a Langberrry tree located several feet away, several of them reach as far as Indonesia, most notably the “Hummingbird humming” sequence:

“Head full of sound.. Hummingbird humming. Forever”
“Sun on my face. Sleep is nice. No more humming. ”
“Hummingbird back. Listen. Listen. War inevitable.”
“Sweet silence. Sheep grazing. Peace inside.”

One can only imagine what this hummingbird represented to Sing-Pai. One explanation identifies it as a metaphor for the war that was going on below his mountain exile between Malaysia and India. It is highly probable that Sing-Pai heard the war cries of his brothers, and the eventual ceasefire. That being said, the accepted opinion is that it probably was a real bird, one that irritated Sing-Pai in some way.

But who can know for certain? The other tablet floated down and was found two centuries later, by a peasant woman who could not read. She brought it to the current Emperor, where it in turn became immortalized as the “Sacred Wind Letter”.

“Wind blows one way. Wind blows other way. Hair in my Face.”
“Sky full of wind. Blows my rice away.”
“Suffering is illusion. Wind is real. It is everywhere.”

In this tablet Sing-Pai mentions suffering for the first time. Many scholars believe that his mountain exile was a geographically wind-prone location, and that Sing-Pai contemplated this daily, perhaps even hourly. And yet, The “Sacred Wind Letter” has four more lines where wind is not even mentioned:

“Freezing rain falling down. My robe is gone. So... Thankful?”
“Ant’s bite skin. Cricket shouts in ear. Harmony?”
“Pebbles in the rain-stream, make noise like cricket”.
“Cricket-ant. Must ascend to the heavens like wind and rain.”

It is here we see how completely content Sing-Pai is with his mountain, wind or no wind.

I hate it here but it's also kind of fun.

This exemplifies the core essence of his wisdom. He comes down from the mountain and is greeted by the currant Emperor, Leng-Bok, who has been a disciple of Sing-Pai since his childhood. Sing-Pai is revered by the people, and a monastery is built in his honor. Once he enters, he is never to re-emerge in public again. Over the years many become his devotees and he asks them henceforth to refer to him in the Latin vernacular ‘Oraculus’. No one is quite sure why but everybody just rolls with it. During the last years of his life takes a vow of silence, but does continue to write his tablets, two to 100 a day on an average basis.

“Time flying like a crow. Crow stops to eat worm. Time doesn’t eat worm”.
(Wise beyond his years, he was the first to point out that time flies).

“Cat stuck in cherry blossom tree. Lily floating in pond. Anger is happy!”

(Here again is the ‘Lily floating in pond’ reference. To Sing-Pai, this was the ultimate state of being; it represented the dissolution of anger and ultimately, intelligence itself. Hence the next line:)

“Rice bowl. Music monkey. Listen close!”

(This one has an urgent message: A bowl of rice, a monkey making sounds... We must listen to them both uniform diligence. Sing-Pei often told his disciples to listen to inanimate objects, which is why you could often point them out in public places even though they had no strict rules of wardrobe or hairstyles ).

“Silverfish in the lake."
(He seemed to have grown tired of the 'lily in pond' refrain and changed it up)
"Gold coin in the hand. Say yes to money!”

Sing-Pai loved money. He never actually bought anything in his life, but he thought it was beautiful to look at and the idea of it filled him with joy. He has many tablets about currency- three hundred and twenty-five, to be exact.

Sing Pei contemplating Powerball.

CLASSIC MOVIE REVIEWS

2010-03-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA

Sir Peter O’Toole gets captured and then tortured in the desert. Other key events in this long movie are: the conquest of the Port of Aqaba, the fall of Damascus, Turks, Sheiks, burning matches that set the sun on fire. Lawrence is a cartographer, which is a person who is sexually attracted to maps. Lawrence is in love with his friend Sherif Ali so he is gay for men too, but sadly the homophobic Turks won't let them be in love. What else? It’s four hours long. Better to watch Clash of the Titans starring Sir Lawrence Olivier instead, because it’s shorter yet still explores all these same historical events and has Medusa, Calibus, the Kracken, and Pegasus (gay horse!). 1 star, for the exceptionally bloody massacre at Tafras.

"Is there no place where two men can roll around together on top of a sexy map in this homophobic desert?" "

"In MY movie you can get it on wherever you damned well please. I'll even place your mortal action figures smack down in the middle of the coliseum on my own sexy map."

BLADE RUNNER/ SCHINDLER'S LIST DOUBLE REVIEW

These movies are so similar that I created this review on dialogue alone. Compare this line from Blade Runner:
Taffey Lewis: “Hey Louie, the man is dry. Give him one one the house, OK?”
With this line from “Schindler’s List”:
Oscar Schindler: “Why do you drink that motor oil? I send you good stuff all the time. Let me get you some wine for the Sabbath”.
Blade runner...
Deckerd: “I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming.”
Schindlers List...
Oscar Shindler:”I could try to read this, or I could eat my lunch while it's still hot.”

This badass saved many many Jewish people from the gas chambers by giving the SS chocolate bars. (He had some other tricks up his sleeve but the chocolate strategy is my personal favorite)

Maybe Schindler is more heroic, but Rutger Hauer is in Deckerd's movie

Both of these movies main characters are sassy detectives trying to overthrow apocalyptic tyrants. Blade Runner gets 4 stars and Schindler 3- one star off for not having Rutger Hauer in it. He was born to play a Nazi. Ralph Fiennes is Irish or something.

THE GODFATHER

This film is about a family of Mafiosos. The Godfather is a Marlon Brando, who in the movie is Don Corleone and head mafia man. Everybody constantly goes to him for favors. I completely relate to this. Sometimes I feel like everyone wants something from me and they are just lined up at my door, one, after another, after another. And I just want to push them over like dominoes and watch them all fall down, down down... and then I can just take a long bath and then dance around to my 2 favorite song ("Top of the World" by the Carpenters and "Colt 45" by Afroman). 2 chopped horse heads.

"Here's a quarter, go call someone who gives a fuck".

ON GOLDEN POND

This is good. I wish all the young people would go away in this so I could just watch Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda living in tranquil senility without that stupid kid. I want to live on Golden Pond. I love when Katherine Hepburn goes “Remember when we used to skinny dip?” and Henry Fonda is like, “What? I can’t hear you”. 5 stars!!! I can’t hear about skinny dipping either because I’m against it- it’s always cold and you can’t have proper sex in water.

TAXI DRIVER

This movie was like being transported back in time to when I was twenty six years old, a taxi driver, living in a one room cold water flat and I was sick of the filthy, filthy city streets and the pimps and the criminals and the garbage and the dirty politicians. Robert Deniro is so good in this. He has a jacket that has a gun that pop’s out of the sleeve, knives that shoot out of his mohawk, lazers that shoot out of his eyes. He talks to himself in the mirror a lot, which is something I do all the time. He saves a young prostitute by killing her pimp and then there’s a ticker-tape parade. What else...he takes this lady on their first date to a porno movie and then gives her a Kris Kristofferson album(?) That is my dream date so this movie get’s 8 stars!

This woman below could have bagged the most romantic guy in NYC, who would have serenaded her with Kristoffersons "Sunday Morning Coming Down" while watching "Kitty Going Down in the Valley" at the Times Square Marquee. Give your rose to someone who deserves it Travis.

THE EXORCIST

In this movie a young girl is possessed by the evil spirit of Ronald Reagan. There is some very sacrilegious stuff going on here like crosses in vagina's and a lot of blasphemy. Don’t watch this if you think Ronald Reagan is the greatest president ever, because it will skew your opinion of him. Also don’t watch it if you pray to the cross of the Lord because it gets put into Ronald Reagan's vagina. I have warned you! I thought this movie was pretty excellent but my favorite president was Benjamin Franklin, so therefore this film didn’t bother me much at all. If the main character was a demonic Benjamin Franklin, than I would boycott this film because that brilliant man invented the post office, the fire department, the stove, the lighting rod, chewing gum, duct tape, the fountain pen, the blender, and condoms. Look it up. No demon would ever make those awesome things. 4 satanic stars.

Ronald Reagan being impeached during the exorcism

AMADEUS

I saw this when I was a kid and it made a major impact on me. It is the tragic tale of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a brilliant, eccentric composer from long long ago. Manipulated by a bitter mediocre contemporary named Saliari, Mozart's career is ruined and he ends up destitute, in a mass grave covered in baking flour. Mozart liked farting, having sex with girls, making music, and candy. Just like all musical geniuses. Saliari is a true hater who manipulates Mozart employing cunning means, such as bringing him whores and chocolate (The Schindler technique). Who could resist those things? If Mozart had been deaf, as in Beethoven’s case, he would never have heard Saliari’s misleading suggestions. And if he was blind like Ray Charles he never would have seen Saliari dressed up in a Darth Vader outfit, pretending to be his dead Father’s ghost. Then he would have gone on farting and making awesome music. 3 tragic whore-less candy-less fartless stars.

Mozart pre- Salieri.

Later on, a fartless Mozart has lost his will to live.

APOCALYPSE NOW

Marlon Brando is Colonel Kurtz, a vitiligo faced jungle warrior poet in the middle of Vietnam woods with natives who think he’s a Jesus. Martin Sheen plays a guy who breaks mirrors with fists and is sent on a mission to take Kurtz down. Personally I liked this movie for two reasons: lot’s of spider monkeys, and this line: “ I'm going 75 clicks above the Do-Lung bridge”. Whatever that means I don’t know, but one day I will declare this in a conversation with my Mom and Dad.
5 clicks!

Hiding in the mud till the planes drop more USO Playboy Bunny's.

ANCIENT WINE TASTING

2010-03-25T15:00:00.001-07:00

This Saturday The Museum of Metropolitan Art unveiled an important addition to its Ancient Roman Collection.
A Roman era wine jar, measuring 6” by 20”, with a slight crack along the rim, was unearthed in December 2009. What set this particular artifact apart from the numerous other wine vessels, cups, jugs, flasks and buckets that have been found, was the abundance of wine found in the jar. It was nearly full, with an exquisite decorative porcelain cork (which naturally had to be destroyed in order to access the wine). Archaeologists the world over were astonished and delighted at this unique find. “I’ve personally found over 275, maybe even 300 different Roman-Era wine related things in the sand and whatnot", said Professor Ridley Lengham, “But I have never found any wine in anything. This is a historic day”. The tasting was to held in the Egyptian Annex of the Museum. Editor Robert Neenan was invited, and I too was thrilled to RSVP.

Figure 1:
The crippling effects of a day-long roman wine draught (circa 60 A.D.)

Figure 2
2 days, 40 jugs later, the roman is rehydrated and looking great

To date, no one has ever tasted Roman-Era wine, and hopes were high. The ambiance was legitimately Roman, with fake grapes draped on the Sphinxes and a very fine selection of french cheese. Romans had an abundance of fruit at all times, most definitely melon balls. Ornate plastic cups were lined meticulously on Tutankahmen's tomb, and excitement loomed in the air. I seated myself on the Sphinx of Amenhotep the Third, and I tried not to look to eager. I ate some brie and crackers and talked to Professor Lengham who said “Romans drank a lot of wine, this is something we all know. But what did it taste like? To quote Pliny the Elder ‘Wine should be not only drunk from sun up to sun down, but bathed in and slept in as well.” He also added, "Wine was invented by the Romans for orgies...and orgies are not too much fun if no one wants to do it with you", a famous observation by Dr. Steve Brule.

Roman baby 50 A.D.

Roman baby (Present day)

Dr. Peter Gardner was the first to step up, and after a short speech about Ovid, Seneca, Plutarch, and some other ancient folks, he began to pour shots. The appearance of the wine, naturally, was different than our modern day spirit. As I swirled it around the cup the wine stuck to the sides in a sludgy, Ancient Roman way. The texture was that of molasses, and the aroma was rich and pungent unlike anything my nose has ever known. My colleague Robert Neenan declared it to be “barbaric yet sophisticated, like the Romans themselves”. I agreed. I stuck my nose in the cup and inhaled deeply because everyone else was doing it. Unable to handle the smell any longer, I decided to chug the thing and experience the experience of a lifetime.*

* Until I taste this

My Review

The “Vomitorium” was invented by the Romans as a place to rid themselves of excess of food and drink, so it was quite fitting that many of us in the room embraced this tradition wholeheartedly. And what you might ask, did this long sought-after elixir taste of? It is very difficult to describe a fine wine, and doubly so when said wine is thousands of years old. Typical descriptions are “light-bodied” “tannic”, “fleshy”, “supple”, “hedonistic”. Flavors implicated are usually “oak”, “floral”, “cedar”, black currant”, “licorice” and so on. Words that came to me when ingesting my little cup of history were “farty”, “grainy”, and “Fecal-tastic”. In other words, it was a revelation.

The top note had a lush rancidity that hit my palette and is there even now, 5 days later. “Unctuous urine soaked rag pressed to my face while gargling diarrhea” is how Dr. Gardner described it, when we met soon after in the E.R. of Lenox Hill Hospital. “Dusty liquid manure, with a hint of decayed mouse stuck in a wall”, was another canny observation. As we were administered charcoal and our stomachs pumped, I felt like screaming “No! Keep it IN me!”, because I felt such kinship with ancient Roman culture at that point, not because I was hallucinating.

Photo of me

(To see more photos, log onto www.lastnightsparty.com)

With thanks to Alyssa Lou, without whom I would have missed the perfect opportunity to mention my husband Steve Brule.

Food Blog

2010-03-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

Once the criminalitys were asleep, checked by monitors throughout the compound, we sat down to eat some bacon egg and cheese sandwiches and broke down crying. Egon had been caught by the police and there was nothing we could do. Between the crying and the sandwiches we lost some crucial time and by 5am we discovered the prisoners had escaped! They had stolen our T600 computer with all the files that had maps regarding our secret agent information. We ordered a Blooming Onion from Outback Steakhouse and did some yoga to calm ourselves down.

Later, we received news that Gallagin had been caught in gunfire and his top leg had been blown off it’s bottom leg. We decided to make turkey chili in memoriam and then Bronny the Kid-Kicker came up with an idea! We would go find the infidels, chase em’ down, and whoop some ass. In order to access the whereabouts of Vinny and his cronies we made some goat cheese and arugula salad and ate it like wolfs in the wind. Then we donned our uniforms and jumped in the van, speeding westward towards East Hollington.

Bronny called his old lady and got good news. She was pregnant with twins. Me and my old lady had 8 kids of our own, but she had never had twins. Why? I got two hot dogs from the hot dog vendor on Chesnut street, but they didn’t feel good going down. I felt like I was trying to eat two hot dogs to replace the two twins my wife never gave me.

We got a call that Egon had been pronounced guilty and sentenced to 25 years in the Hillston Penitentiary, so I went to visit him before he was sent off. He seemed kind of down in the dumps even though my wife had made him fried clams and knitted him an afghan blanket. He didn’t say much, just sort of sat there and stared into space. It was weird. Here’s a portion of the conversation that I can remember:

Me: How’s about the clams?

Egon: Yeah thanks.

Me: Did Bronnie mention all the hotties they got working at The Honey Pot right now? The got rid of that stupid rule that you can’t lick the girls..they have Steel Reserve on tap. The new "Kitchen Sink Nacho Platter" is the tits...

Egon: That sounds nice.

Me: How do you like that blanket?

Egon: Outside blankets are considered contraband.

Me: What a waste of a good blanket.

Egon: Um hum.

Then I said something about how they probably had a bunch of blankets in jail anyway, but nothing I had said seemed to cheer him up. I did manage to slide several packs of Orbitz gum through the jail bars before I left. I met up with the gang and went downtown to get some popcorn chicken at Gerby’s. Suddenly, Kieran O’Flannagan, the notorious franchise robber walked into the place and started to rob the shit out of it! We couldn't arrest him because it would have blown our cover and also were not policeman. We all jumped in the van but Roland went all idiot on us and ran back in to grab the bucket of chicken. Everybody hollered at him when he came back but it turned out he had grabbed the ketchup dispenser from the condiment stand. It was enough ketchup for an army. I was impressed by his foresight.

We went back to the compound and to watch the monitors. Nothing much was going on so we did some origami. I was in the middle of making a cherry blossom crane when Linda came in and told us that Interpol had arrived, and we needed to haul ass. Catscan was in the middle of making lasagna but swiftly grabbed a couple of grenades and blew a hole through the wall. He killed our ferret Knut by accident, and we all said a silent prayer out loud. Then we escaped and drove down to compound number 8, east of Sommersby, down by the old canning factory. It was a close call. We forgot to bring Linda and someone said something about going back to get her, but then we realized we didn’t know anybody named Linda. To this very day I think she was some sort of angel sent by Jesus.

Compound 8 wasn’t much different from the other seven compounds; only in the fact that it had a water slide, a trampoline, a Nintendo Game Cube and a full bar. Everyone poured a shot of 150 year old whiskey and drank to Egon, then Knut, and then to Linda in case she was dead. We played The Legend of Zelda for a couple hours and Roland forgot to save our game so we ended up being stuck back in Dragon Roost Island. Could things get any worse? Before long everyone was three sheets to the wind except for Lightweight, who was alcoholic. Lightweight perused the monitors and spotted a suspicious personage. It looked like a cleaning lady, mopping the entrance floor, but who could know for sure? Nobody hadn’t eaten for over an hour and the drink had made everyone sloppy. Lightweight strapped on his pistol and went to investigate. Gunshots soon followed, and everyone snapped into action. We snuck down the hallway only to find Lightweight, gun in hand, and a large man wearing a white wig and woman’s apron, lying dead on the floor.

“Bluesmoke!”, everyone said in unison.

Bluesmoke was a notorious criminal and he’d been following our crew for years. Everyone thanked Lightweight for being such an alcoholic. We dragged Bluesmoke's body out the backdoor, and weighted him down with discarded cans from the canning factory. We floated him out on the lake but he didn’t sink so we all went back inside and searched to see if there was any hot cocoa inside. We came up empty handed. Things were looking grim. Then Reynold’s came up with an idea. Two people would drive into town and buy some hot cocoa, Ramen noodles, and sharp cheddar cheese. Two other people would float out on the lake on a makeshift raft and tie some bricks to Bluesmoke. An argument ensued over who would do what.

Catscan couldn’t swim so that ruled him out of the rafting idea, and it turned out nobody else wanted to do it either. We decided to pack up the Tigers Milk bars and make a run for the hills, where there was an underground tunnel leading to the master computer. From there, we’d would notify Alfonso, a long distance swimmer that Bronny knew back from his high school days. Then, everything went to shit. Bluesmoke wasn’t dead after all! As we were leaving compound 8 we came face to face with him, dripping wet and covered with bloody cans. He knocked out Bronnie with a swift kick to his balls and Bronnie went down like a two dollar hooker. Then he went after Catscan but Catscan knew Capoeria the brazilian art of dance-fighting. He danced the shit out of Bluesmoke and then finally Bluesmoke was dead for real.

Another job well done. With tomorrows’s rising sun we will meet further challenges and obstacles that come with our line of work. But this is the life we have chosen. Sometimes I think we will never get back to Olive Garden before the grilled chicken flat bread gets retired from the menu. In the meantime we should try and capture Ivan “12 fingers” Enovitch, and destroy his laboratory.
Belgian waffles. And lentil soup. Pizza bagels.

Mysteries of the Tarot... REVEALED!

2010-03-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

THE FOOL

THE MAGICIAN

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

THE EMPRESS

THE EMPEROR

THE HIEROPHANT

THE LOVERS

THE CHARIOT

STRENGTH

THE HERMIT

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

JUSTICE

THE HANGED MAN

DEATH

TEMPERANCE

THE DEVIL

THE TOWER

To Be Continued...

Patrick's Christmas List 2010 - #3 Music

2010-02-28T21:43:00.000-08:00

Ya talks like as if there was another myskery comin up

Patricks Christmas List 2010 - #2 Dvds

2010-02-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

An when they crams me in jail I takes it apart, thas the way I yam

Patrick's Christmas List 2010 - #1 Dragon Bag

2010-02-28T20:53:00.000-08:00

I brung yer diamonds back mister, I'm no jewel thief. You had this bag in your cupboard an I thought it was eats.